Community

Pain...

2006-10-18T20:32:00.002-07:00

I feel like I am over whelmed with emotional pain, right now. I'm just having a hard time understanding why my situation needed to exist. I understand that most of my situation is for the better, but how it is all unfolding is horrible. God has a plan for those who follow him, and His will is good. I'm going to honest and say that I sometimes feel this statement is a bunch of shit, but that's why I'm a sinful being, that's why I question God, and that's also why I will never understand God. It was all to easy to give God praise when I was in a comfortable state of life, but now that I'm completely frusturated I just feel lost...I don't feel helpless...I feel lost... I'm hoping this whole sitution will make me stronger and that God will show me His will. I don't want comments, just prayer...I NEED prayer!!!

Pain...

2006-10-18T20:32:00.001-07:00

Pain...

2006-10-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

A solid three months

2006-06-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess it is pushing three months since the last time I did one of these. A lot has happened in that time period, and I can honestly say that all of the positive things that have happened to me as well as the negative have happened for a reason. If there is one thing that I improved on spiritually in the past 90 days is my ability to take one day at a time. I always used to look at my schedule, envision the events unfolding just I liked them to, and than I would just watch my week(S) flash before my eyes. I was listening to a boot leg copy of a Rob Bell series that focuses on a wide variety of topics, but the one that struck me the most was our ability(as humans, people, etc..) to merely exist in our lives and to not be a part of them, and by that he means, to actively listen. I was recalling some weeks when I would go to school in the morning mon-thur, work 40 hours during the week, go to life group on Wed nights, and go to 707 on Sun nights. Now that I have experienced this type of life style, I have become much more aware that I hate being a spectator and I always want to a participate in my life. Of course, the issues of going to school and having to pay for school, books, cell phone, car insurance, and so on are all facets of my life that are just going to become exponentially more complicated when I decide to get married and have a family. However, I don't want to do all of these things just to check them off the list of accomplishments. I want everything that I do to have a meaning and for these meanings to not only be significant in my life, but in the lives of others. I don't know if it's just me, but I still have this longing to truly live!!

I feel the most complete when I am with Michelle, in the word, talking about the word, or watching the word unfold in my life. I can't really say that I am overly enthused about those "Beautiful Let Downs" of life. I feel that those situations give me the chance to evaluate myself and to see if I am really moving forward or am I still being resistant to God? By resistant I mean, am I in the place where I can be used for anything and to be molded into whatever piece of pottery the brilliant artist wants me to be....I would like to think so, but I know that I am not...I still have a hard time letting go of my old self, and even though that part of me makes rare appearances I still feel it is that little piece of me that I am not letting God have and by doing so I am rendering myself useless to Him. I can go to all of the life groups, read all his books, go to all of the church services where He is present, but I am not going to be omni present unless I just let go. I need to listen first and talk second. Yes, the lord says, "You receive not, for you ask not," but I think I'm doing way too much asking and far to little listening and waiting.

Pumped!!!!!!

2006-03-27T17:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight at (9:30p est) is my first men's league tournament game, and I'm pumped! I just that I would share that little bit of information with you.

Grace

2006-03-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

In last nights 707 service the head Pastor Dan Burgoyne went over a topic that should be the universal theory for all followers of Jesus. He discussed Gen 12. This is actually cool because I had just recently sparked an interest in old testament history and goggled a million different things about Abram and his descendents, along with bugging my dad for the information I was too lazy to look up. In his teaching Pastor Dan opened up with how well things had been going for Abram, and how he had dealt with Lot in a manner that was pleasing in the eyes of the Lord and Abraham was in His favor. The story takes a sudden turn when there is a famine in the land and Abram gives his wife Sarah to the pharaoh for live stock, land, herds man, water, pretty much earthly wealth. I will stop with the story here, because I am sure that all of you are well aware of it. The main point I over looked, when I read this passage, was how God did not take him out of his favor, nor did he stop pursuing him. I mean Abraham sold his wife! I know it was the old testament and what happened back in this time of history doesn't apply now. For instance burnt offerings: The animal rights activist would have a hay day if I went in my back yard and burnt a sheep as a living sacrifice for my sins against the Lord. That dept was paid in full by Jesus, so I don't have to do things of that nature.

The obvious thing about Abraham's sinful nature was that he did it by his will, because he felt alone and he hadn't been experiencing that closeness he had experienced before with God. The most amazing thing about Abraham's sinful nature was that God took it in his own hands to right Abraham's wrong. He was telling Abram, It doesn't matter if you stumble along to way I will be there to pick you up and to guide you in My way of rightesness.

I wish everyone knew that they had an unlimited amount of value in the eyes of our creator. That when we stumble, an example of me, swearing, being cold hearted, pride, impure thoughts, the list is endless actually, but that's the great thing about it, we don't have to measure up with God. There is no staple of greatness/goodness that we have to or could achieve to be in His favor.

Yes, we might, will, and do fracture our closeness with him, but it is never the other way around. He always wants us. He is constantly telling us there is more to our lives than an infinite number of life times on earth and all of the things it offers. I struggle with this, not because I don't love my savior, or because I my inner most desires are more than God can satisfy, but because I am encompassed and enveloped by sin. And at the end of the day I know I am loved and as I continue to pursue His will than I will begin to eliminate or begin acknowleging more and more of my sins.

I want to stress that I am no different than the possible unbelievers sitting next to me right now, the gay kid down the street, the drug addicts across the country, the sexual petafile in Solon, and so on. If it is not God's will than it is a sin and I know I can't escape this, but Jesus too care of all of that and through my relationship with him and through continual repentenses you and I can be clean! Praise God!

At the end of Dan's message he talked about people having their Gen 12 days, but he also said it only has to be that. Myself just as Abraham have the Grace of God to turn the page and make a Gen 13 of my life. A new beggining everyday.

Up Coming Events

2006-03-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

Six days from now I will be exhausted from a previous day of driving for 19-21 hours, almost getting kidnapped, or run off the interstate by some crazed trucker who is trying to make a dead line. However, the uplifting factor for my exhaustion and near death experiences is that, I will be in Anne Marie Island, Florida basking in the sun, strolling the beach, and waking up to the scent of eggs (over-easy), jam, toast, and most likely bacon. Yes, I can have all of these scents in Ohio, but that's the point, it's OHIO!

Promise

2006-03-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

I seems like I've been hearing a lot of different things about HABITS, and all of them have brought me to a couple of different conclusions. David Crowder mentions in his book, PRAISE HABITS FINDING GOD IN SUNSETS AND SUSHI, "It is my belief that we were made to praise and that the original intentions for it might have been bigger and sweeter than most of us have dreamed or that a scheduled moment could properly contain. We find ourselves in a dynamic, fluid relationship with the divine, where there is such perpetual movement and flow that static, formulaic approach undermines and lessons what could exist" (Praise 34). David continues this notion for the next few pages, then spends time in between defending that he sees nothing wrong with having a scheduled time to spend with our savior, because, who are we kidding, we want him, crave him, and long for him to define and comfort us. I myself have been finding in this high tech age of IPODS, MP3's, I-TUNES on your cell phone's, and so on..., that it is becoming exponentially more convenient to have worship music on the go. It's almost like I'm turning our church's worship service into a fast food mentality. But is this really a bad thing? Should we not use what modern day technologies that are available to worship our savior with some added conveniences. The problem is I don't believe this to be entirely true. We should see God in everything that we do, come in contact with, and worship in awe of his grace, beauty and perfection. The point I think I'm trying to get at is we should be worshipping God all of the time and to take every advantage that we have to be with the spirit. Romans 8 goes through how we should always be at peace with our spirit, because the way away from the spirit is death, I'm going to assume that means both physical and spiritual death.

Don't you hate it when this happens?

2006-02-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

It's currently 9:49a, I'm sitting in the Mac Lab of Tri-C's Technology & Learning Center, and I'm being accompanied by my over priced white chocolate mocha coffee...Who knows..., and my IPOD. Is this the way my life is supposed to be? Am I supposed to surf the net and look for what cool Mac laptop I want to get for when I transfer to B-W? Or am I even supposed to be thinking about worldly and materialistic things? Something that I told myself I would do and I think I did it for 20 days, but I missed the 21st day that made it a habit and that was giving myself to the Lord. I used to start my days by saying, Lord what would you like me to do for you today? Would you like me to be quiet and wait on you or should I indulge myself in your word, then go about my day as an example of you? For the past two-three weeks I have maybe done this a handful of times. Why? The answer should sitting right in front of me, yet I apparently am oblivious to it. I was talking to one of the guys in my life group and who also plays basketball with me, and he gave me a subtle challenge. Whenever I find myself thinking of everything but God, then turn off your cell phone, don't go anywhere near the TV or the computer and just be with him in his word. I always seem to have an excuse for why I don't spend time with my savior or why I didn't go to church this past week. The obvious reason being the NBA ALL-STAR game, and how pathetic is that? I chose a to watch a basketball game over going to church, worshipping and being with my savior, but shouldn't I be able to do that on a day-to-day basis anyway? So I really don't feel bad about missing church, because we shouldn't be going to get a fill of whatever is missing, we should take care of that on our own. Well, I'm done rambling and I have to study for Econ...

The love of my life

2006-02-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm sure all of you are aware that today is Saint Valentines Day and we (MEN) are to be socially cliche, buy our loved one or ones, depending how you roll, flowers, take them out to dinner and if you have the financial means buy them a piece of Diamond jewelry. I would love to do these things for Michelle, but the fact of the matter is life happens and all I can do is trust in God and roll with the punches. As I am sitting here I am still recovering from the 12-15 hours of flu symptoms that took me down the never ending road of vomiting and dehydration. Don't you hate it when your body is yelling at you to drink something, but 30 seconds later it tosses it out of you.

For Michelle, the beginning of her Valentines day was filled with sitting up with me at 3am as I discarded fluids that I didn't even know I had it my body, all while she quietly observed. I found myself apologizing for displaying flu symptoms in front of her, but she said it was fine and she, saying something unneeded, actually learned my secret for why I am so thin....Jerk! I would like to point out that I don't vomit for sport! For those of you who know Michelle you would definitely agree that she is a needle in a hay stack when it comes to talents. She is not only intellectually brilliant, but artistically, as well as musically. She has the capacity to love and forgive like no one I have seen. The hardships that she has had to over come and still remain emotionally and spiritually stable is unbelievable. I don't think I can ever feel the way that I feel for Michelle with anyone else, but my Savior. The joy that she brings to my life is indescribable and my love for her is immeasurable.

Well, I'm still feeling pretty sick so I'm going to cut this short and go lie down...

Giving Thanks

2006-02-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've been finding it handy to have a brilliant girl friend around. Who else can draw the exact duplicate of my nephew, put it in a frame, then have my sister in law start crying because of it's beauty and my brother Ben start freaking out because he is unaware of why his wife is crying...Oh, the family life...I had recently just written a paper for my English class and I came up with the brilliant idea of having Michelle proof read it for me. Initially, I thought it was a splendid idea, but when she started questioning the motive for some of my ideas I became a little unnerved. Although the questioning of my ideas was only on one occasion the gramitical gavel was laid down exponentially. Sorry, I'm late for class...

Four things...

2006-02-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

Four Jobs I've Had
1. Landscaping
2. Warehouse Assembly with Uncle Herb
3. Hollister/Abercrombie folding slave
4. Opinions Whore

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over
1. Boondock Saints
2. Conspiracy Theory
3. Braveheart
4. Patriot

Four Places I've Lived
1. Columbus, OH
2. Strongsville, OH
3. Strongsville, OH
4. ?

Four Shows I Like to Watch
1. PTI
2. House
3. Best Damn Sports Show, Period
4. Boston Legal

Four of My Favorite Foods
1. Sushi
2. Muscles
3. PHO (Vietnamese soup)
4. Lobster tail

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. Myspace
2. Blogger
3. ESPN
4. CNN

Four Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1. Be as Christ-like as possible
2. Get married
3. Have children
4. Have a white house with a picket fence ( The American dream).

Good News!!

2006-02-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

I was just informed, via the mail, that I made the Deans List for this past Semester, and I plan to do so again this Semester, but I really don't care about the document that states I got such-n-such grades, nor do I intend on keeping it around. However, I do care about Scholarship opportunities, so lets hope I can keep it up and save some money:)

Ridiculous.

2006-02-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

I have a prime example of why none of my non Christian friends like church people. I am currently playing in a church basketball league, ok you can all laugh now, and the prime reason I am playing is to fellowship with guys from my church, to have more positive influences in my life and to embarrass old men(sorry I'm not funny). My team is nothing to brag about, but I don't see us losing a game all season, we are already 4-0, and we are the chillest team out of all the teams. Some might say it is our natural skill, or our confidence in the lack of talent in the other teams, but I feel it's our acceptance of what is at stake, absolutely nothing. During my game today I witnessed everyday guys, from another church, act like they were all the second comings of Larry Bird. I heard, on numerous occasions, grown men swear after missing a shot and say things like, come on were playing here to win. NO! You should not be playing in a church league to win. After I caught wind of all these antics I put them out of their misery in 3 minutes by scoring 10 pts, but that isn't even the point I'm trying to make. I just don't understand why church guys, who are stiffs of athletes, have to act so unrefined. The more I reflect on their actions the more get this eerie feeling of guilt for them.

Before every game we have a mandatory devotional, where the leading of the home teach has a 10 minute message prepared, we all take prayer request, then before the tip off anyone says a prayer for our safety during the game and for us to grow in the spirit. I would like to think of myself as someone who is diligently trying to grow in the spirit and I don't want to be an example of a parable, why do you look at the spec in my eye when you have a plank in your own(Jesus), but when are these words going to translate into actions? At one point during the game my mother felt the need to tell 2 women to shut up, because they were yelling at me for being too physical and at everything else that was going on around them. Mind you these are wives of church going men. I dare not say Christian woman, because I am too embarrassed to claim them as my sisters in Christ.

The worst thing about the night, for me at least, had to explain things to my girlfriend when she says; I thought this was just a church league. The oldest playing on my team is 23, I'm the youngest at 19, and our actions have no negative resemblance of men in their 30' and 40's. What are church's trying to tell people? Are we really preparing ourselves for the battles that lie ahead, the ridicule we will face? Or are we going to assume because we are in a church, with guys who supposed to be Christians that we can turn away from him who built the house we play in? I just wish my brothers would stop letting me down and start showing me what it means to have character and how to represent Christ.

I'm going end my disappointing rendition by noting, my brother's would not have acting like these guys did today. They are both men of Godly character and I try to model the good things they have to offer, there are a lot of good things and they keep on increasing. My dad said an interesting thing before I came to type this up. Chase, the reason these men act like this is simply because they lack spiritual maturity, and they are just spiritual children in adult bodies. I am not referring to all of the men, but those who this warrants true. For those of you who know my father and all of his imperfections, for him to say something like that speaks volumes of their behavior.

Religion

2006-01-21T17:56:00.000-08:00

When I think of religions the first of couple things that come to mind are rules and separation. Why is this? Did Jesus say to his Church,"Go, create complicated traditions and have your societies conception of you to be completely misunderstood." I don't feel that was the way Jesus intended for the Church. There shouldn't be religions, stereotype assigned to each and their people, there should be Christians, Little Christ, that are avid followers, lovers, givers to Jesus, and their society. The real issue I have are people who taint the name of Jesus; however, I am not exempt from this issue. For a considerable amount of time in my life I acted similar to those who were not followers of Jesus, and I was choosing to fit in and not be ridiculed more so than was needed. By doing so I was too playing into Satans plan of painting a false picture of Christians, even though I did very little proclaiming of His name, I felt convicted every step of the way. My conviction is one of utter sadness, for those who continue to do this.

I was having a discussion with some of the guys, in my life group at 707, about this, and we all came to a similar conclusion. We were all "ok" with different denominations, although I don't care for them, if and only if, their extra procedures did not get in the way of God or what the Holy Spirit was trying to do in the Church. I want someone, anyone to point out to me where Jesus did all of this STUFF. I know I haven't even mention specifics yet, but that's the thing. I don't have too because they are already understood. Jesus was all about walking around with his Disciples, teaching them in a small group, then showing them what they were taught by delivering it to the masses. Why don't Christians do more of this? Why don't we all meet in a small group, then go out and be beachens of light to this world. We are to bring our own heaven on earth by being Christlike, and doing the things that were commanded of us from the living father.

My frustration/ sadness with things of this nature, usually stemmed from my previous ignorance, then I seek more of the word and find out how I can resolve my issue. This circumstance has been something that Satan has been using as a tool for decades, centuries, and a millennia, and we still allow it to go on. The discussion became very in depth, with guys sharing their old friends distaste for all of the religious rituals and how this actually opened up a door for a non things, stuff, ritual relationship with our Lord. I was reading through the book of Matthew the other day and I noticed something extremely intriguing that Jesus said to the pharasees. When his disciples where being questioned about not fasting Jesus answered, "How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast. I might be taking this out of the wrong context, but I feel we should just be with Him and not worry about the things that are of little relevance in the grand scheme of God's love. I am in no way implying that fasting is wrong and neither is Jesus, but all things need to be put in perspective.

God's Way

2006-01-13T19:04:00.000-08:00

Rj, my brother in Christ, and myself were having our usual conservative conversations at work, until something had to be brought that I couldn't just allow him to think this way. He asked me what I would do if I was ever cheated on. Fair enough, I asked him in what context though. Are we talking my relationship with Michelle now, if we were married, or are there kids involved. He said said any them. I knew my answer was going to take forever, so I let him answer his own question. He felt that if a woman betrayed him in this manner than she would be, "Kicked to the curb man." Of course I couldn't let this go. My initial questions to RJ were, what if you were neglecting your wife's emotional needs and you were becoming less involved with her spiritually. She was trying to communicate this to you, but you weren't involved so she had to go else where to meet these needs and made a mistake. (Man do I sound liberal right now.) RJ's response to this, "Dude, it doesn't matter what you say. I wouldn't be able to look at her, let alone stay married to her." All I could think about is how weak emotions are. We are not to base our relationship with God on emotions, but by faith. So why should this be any different? We had established that children were involved and I told him, I would first look at what I did to make her do this. It is our responsibilities as men of God to love our wife's unconditionally. The vows, till death do us part, do have spiritual implications. I told him that it was our responsibility to do what is right in God's eyes and to not wrong your wife by pushing her away, instead choosing to love her, still. He started rambling on about the what if's, this, that and the so fourths. By this point I was getting a little aggravated by his foolish out looks, but I stayed calm. RJ, If there are kids involved there is no way I would get a divorce. After you have kids your life is no longer yours and it is your responsibility to God to keep a stable Godly home. "Chase, but what if they find out, or they eventually find out that Mom cheated on Dad?" I feel the father choosing to stay with the children's mother is the best testimate of perseverance that he could ever teach. Of course, there are situations where this couldn't ever work out, but if you are both equally yoked and she wants forgiveness than grant it to her.

This is what really got me going. RJ's statement, "Dude, the kids wouldn't be messed up at all. Over half of peoples marriages end in divorce and it doesn't seem like it matters, it goes on in society all the time." Statements like these make me sad that he has more of a relationship with the Lord than his parents do and his thinking is just a little tainted. I replied, "How does society how anything to do with this? We are to do what God demands of us and that is pretty much final. If that means being miserable and acting like you are happy with your wife, then you are to do that." I want to not that this was a long conversation and I know I left some things out.

All of this is so puzzling to me. I couldn't and can't imagine my mom cheating on my dad, or my dad on my mom for that matter. Although, their relationship seems to be non existent there is still a love and commitment that will carry them to death. In my mind, my father is perfect example of how I am to be. Without all of the strange stuff and the being a poor communicator. He is completely devoted to his family. I can honestly say that he would sacrifice himself for any one of his children, so that they may continue life.

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore and frankly I don't care, but I guess that's why I'm new at this.

Driving Talks

2006-01-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

This was a part of another post.

I was driving home from playing basketball today and I was having a conversation with Jesus. Yes, I was doing most of the talking of course, but I'm sure he was making the typical "I'm paying attention faces," just to make me feel better about myself. But in all seriousness I was thinking how wonderful it is to know that He loves me regardless of how broken or ashamed I am. I was just resting in the comfort of being loved.

Something I don't hear enough of is the concept of God wanting us to be men of his word by living the word on a day to day basis, but in the word Jesus tells his disciples that they will not inherit the Kingdom of God unless they have hearts like a child. I want to note that Jesus pulled a little kid out of the crowds to prove a point to the disciples. Could you imagine being that kid? I for one do not have a heart like a child, nor have I for some time. I have been desensitized by the media and society, to become a person who is constantly engaged in sin. I view being a Christian as a life committed to innocense and purity, and that I what I think Jesus was getting at.

Oh, here is a prime example of how not to love someone. While I was playing basketball, earlier today, I was playing with someone who was not blessed with the same amount of athletic ability as anyone on the floor. My first thought of this poor kid, " God is he bad. I'm definitely not passing him the ball." How selfish is that? I wake up each morning with the love of Jesus all over me and I can't even love one of my fellow men. There is no doubt that we, as Christians, do not have it easy. We are to have hearts like a child, but we are to be warriors for Jesus. I don't picture that little boy that Jesus pulled over, in a full body of armor and fifty pound sword in his right hand, but Jesus does and that is why I will follow him to my grave. I will falter, I will make mistakes, I will sin, but my Jesus will never stop loving me. I need to be more conscience of the fact Jesus chose this life for me and I was chosen by him. I didn't ask Him to come into my heart five billion times when I was little because I thought I had some spiritual insight, but because he wanted me to long for him and to have a longing to be loved.

Life

2006-01-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at the computer after work, when I received a phone call. This wasn't your ordinary phone call, but one that heightens your sense and might even invoke fear. It was my girlfriend Michelle telling me that she thought her axel snapped in half and she didn't know what to do. So, in my mind, I'm thinking she is on the side of the road somewhere and in a extremely dangerous situation. She then proceeds to tell me that it happened when she was pulling into a gas station and was actually sitting in front of a pump. In my mind, I was screaming thank you God, thank you God, and ,of course, I can't believe she didn't mention that she was out of harms way first. Then my thoughts stirred into the direction of a more logical approach. Michelle knows nothing about cars and the odds of her getting out of her car, in a place that she would be in any harm, to check out this matter are non existent. I guess I should have put her lack of knowledge on cars and being at gas station together. After taking care of the odds and ends of an automotive mishap, calling a tow and taking it to our local mechanic. I drove up to the local gas station to pick her up and take her to the towing destination so we could pay for the tow. While we are driving behind the tow truck Michelle begins to tell me some unnerving things about her mother. For all you that know, this can't be good.

This past weekend Michelle and I went to her cousin Sarah's wedding, in the Northern Columbus area of Dublin/Upper Arington. After the wedding we spent the night with her Aunt Kim and Uncle Rob, parents of the bride, then drove her other cousin, from a different Aunt, Ha-vi to the bus station ,in downtown Columbus, the next morning so she could take a bus to the Cincinnati airport and take a direct flight to Boston. While we were driving to downtown Columbus, Michelle and Ha-vi were discussing how much Sarah's wedding cost because it was simple, yet extremely elegant. Ha-vi, apparently, talked to her mom about this, her mom talk to her grandma, then her grandma talked to Michelle's mom. I have no idea how these things happen, but her mom left her a message, in regards to the wedding, and said, "Michelle, because you are living with someone else your grandmother informed me that all Vietnamese traditions and bets are off." Ok, I want to know where this came from, considering Michelle never talked to her mother about this, nor does she care. And NO, my girlfriend and I are not living in SIN!!!!!!!!!! It's funny how one person who doesn't know Jesus can act this way and speak so condescendingly toward her daughter.

To top the night off, the Cavs went into the fourth quarter with an 8 point lead, then went on to shoot 5-20 in the fourth and lost by 8. I think? In all of these negative situations I learned a lot about myself. I didn't feel any axed while all of this was going on. Yes, I did get a little heated when Michelle had me listen to the message her mom sent her, but my spirit was at ease. I'm starting to embrase the simple hardships of life, excluding the cavs loss. I take comfort in knowing that God ment them to happen and sometimes it's nothing that we have done, but it's just life happening.

God the Father

2006-01-08T19:56:00.000-08:00

There are many areas in my life where God has chosen to bless me. The blessings that are the most gratifying to me are my family and the unconditional love that I have been given from them. Growing up in a Christian home, with a father who worked/works 60-70 hours a week to provide for his family, a mother who declares her sole purpose for being on this earth to serve her family, and members of extended family that would give me whatever I needed at the drop of a dime. This, however, is not the case for someone who is near and dear to my heart. This person did not have the up bring that I was blessed with, nor did this person get to experience unconditional love in her day to day family life. Every since they have been in my life they have challenged me in ways that they are completely oblivious to. They have shown me to appreciate the life that God has for me in the "now", and to trust Him completely for the life that He has in store for me in the "future". They have shown me how Jesus can heal a broken heart and make it whole again. To me, they are Jesus' master piece on display, for all to see, on a day to day basis. I have cried more times worshiping in church since I have met this person, then I think I have my entire life before meeting this person. When I see her praising the God that has shown her true love, unconditional love, love that can not be faked, and to know what she has been through and how she still chooses to display herself broken before a holy God is beautiful. I have been living in a shell of love. I don't want to say that it has hindered me from being vulnerable with my savior, but by being a witness of what God has to offer the broken made me want to dive right in. I guess I should have mentioned, even though I have been surrounded my love I still felt broken and empty inside. My spiritual discernment would always try to lead me on a path to healing, but I would always choose to avoid it at all cost. Who wants to make themselves vulnerable when they are ashamed of what is inside their mind and soul? That person definitely wasn't me.

I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was four years old and have never fallen away from him. The key is, I let him in, but I never let him take over. Christ would rather of had me deny that He had ever walk on the earth, was crucified on the cross, and descended into heaven by the way I was treating our relationship. Donald Miller states in Blue Like Jazz, that peoples perception of God is almost like a slot machine. You might get lucky one of these days, but you'll never win if you don't play so let's ask things of God anyway. I would like to think that I didn't wager with God, but I did. You know God, if I don't party as much, if I stop drinking and messing around with non believing girls, then I want this from you. Obviously this didn't work out and it wasn't until I was broken, like my friend in the paragraph above, that I began to see it His way. What I love about God more than anything, is that I have nothing to prove to him. All He wanted from me was to allow Him to take me by the hand and to guide me through my trials and joys. So, like my friend, I have learned to receive unconditional love from my heavenly father and to admire his work in someone that I truly adore.

An old dream

2006-01-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

I wrote all of this down in June I think.

The dream began with me standing in my living room and my mother sitting by the fire place, reading a book, and with our dog Bailey by her side. I also found myself seeing both my brothers, Ben and Matt along with their wives’ Angela and Emily, in the kitchen; They were most likely catching up on baby talk and all of the wonderful things that children have to offer this world, but I couldn't make anything out. The funny thing is I don't recall seeing my sister in the dream. I don't know if this is symbolizing her lack of involvement in my life at the time, but that's not the point. I'm going to assume she was on her cell phone, on the deck, having a conversation that everyone could be apart of. My eyes now began to focus on the windows. These windows are located on the north side of the living room and they are directly facing the compound pool. During the last couple summers uncle Buck spent with us he dedicated most of his afternoon hours being drunk and cleaning the compound pool. I remember my face lighting up as I steadily began walking out of the house and over to the pool area where he would have been, or, min my mind, where he should have been. The sad thing about this dream and even my reality is that uncle Buck is no longer with us, and it keeps on leaving a gaping hole in my heart. I take the turn at the corner of my house, to go and have a drunken conversation with uncle Buck. Funny isn't it? The weird thing is, he gave good advice in these frequent conversations by the pool. When I was being rebellious with drinking and hating my parents, mostly my mom, and he always told me to Love her because she loved me more than I could ever imagine. My eyes were now focused on the pool where I once saw uncle Buck doing everyone on the compound a service and that is cleaning the pool. At this point is where I was focusing on the vacant place where only the reflection of the sun scattered over the area he once stood. Even in my dream state my mind within my mind is leading me to believe he is still here. As my subconscious self was coming to the realization that he was not there, I of all people began to cry hysterically, and I must have been doing this in real life as well because when I woke up I was exhausted. Walking the remaining 30 feet to the pool from where I stood, because I just needed another look to see if maybe he was there. Now I was starting to accept the fact that he was not there and I continued releasing my emotional frustrations as I was leaning against the pool. I was leaning on the pool the way I leaned upon him to be the friend I thought he would be to me until I was married and had kids of my own; however, we all know this will never come to pass, nor will my kids be able to enjoy the uncle Buck I once knew.

The person you ought to be.

2006-01-04T08:11:00.001-08:00

There have been too many occcasions in my life where I have chosen to do things, "my way," and, in the process, have completely disregard God. I have been finding myself more in tune to what He has for my life, yet I still find myself struggling to go down this path. "The way is narrow," is a statement Jesus made that makes so much sense. It's so much easier to what I "Feel" is best for my life, and on every occasion He shows me that I am not in control of my life. Well, I have to go to work now...